The People Who Shape Your Life: Why Relationships Matter More Than You Think

People who genuinely care and want the best for you might be the greatest asset you could ever have.

That said, I know that sounds transactional - and I don't want anyone to treat people that way (nor do I think I do) - but we all know the truth: connections get you places.

Keith Ferrazzi’s Never Eat Alone explains how building strong relationships can open doors you never imagined. He himself came from a working-class background, but thanks to his father’s good rapport with wealthier people, he landed a job as a golf caddy in his teens. That job helped him build connections with influential people, who later vouched for him when he applied to top-tier U.S. schools.

It’s a powerful thing to realize the people you know can actually help you, and yet, most of us hesitate to ask for help. I’ve done the same, trying to handle everything alone so I wouldn’t bother anyone. But this book changed my perspective.

The People Closest to You

More important than just having people is choosing who you keep close.

They’ll likely shape your life more than anything else.

"You are the average of the five people closest to you."

Or so goes the old adage...

Family: The Ones You Don’t Choose

Take family, for example. Research shows that growing up in a dysfunctional household is linked to a higher risk of mental health issues and lower social intelligence [1]. Childhood abuse, in particular, is associated with higher rates of illness and premature death [2].

On the flip side, people raised in loving, functional families - especially those shown affection as children - tend to be happier, less anxious, build stronger relationships, and show less hostility [3].

So just being raised by supportive, caring parents can give you a significant head start, even if only because you’re more emotionally stable and better equipped for social interaction.

Friends and Acquaintances: The Ones You Choose

Now, what about the people you choose along the way?

Studies on friendship, especially close relationships, show that they can increase your life expectancy and lower your risk of depression [4]. In fact, high-quality relationships are better predictors of health and happiness than IQ or income [5].

Even acquaintances improve your life. Casual relationships - like with your barista, your gym trainer, or your neighbour - can create a sense of belonging and improve happiness [6].

A Personal Detour

I know this all too well. For a long time, my main social interaction came from the dog park. I’d chat with people from all walks of life: retired ladies, engineers, students, lawyers. Over time, it made me feel like I was part of the neighbourhood.

Acquaintances also open doors that your closest circle might not. Let’s face it: just because someone can help you doesn’t mean they need to be your best friend. Adult relationships take time and effort to build.

When it comes to career changes, job switches, starting businesses, or even picking up new hobbies, these “weak ties” can be incredibly helpful. And it works both ways: you can offer the same to them [7].

The Most Impactful Relationship: Your Partner

The relationship that might have the most influence on your life is the one with your romantic partner, the person you choose to share your future with and potentially start a family.

Mark Manson has a great short video on this. And as he and others have pointed out, most people spend more time choosing a pair of jeans than choosing a partner.

Why It Matters So Much

A partner can influence every area we’ve already talked about, with all the benefits (or downsides) that come with it [8][9][10].

For example, partners can shape habits. One study showed that when a spouse quit smoking or started exercising, the other partner was 40–70% more likely to do the same within a year [11].

Mood and mental health are also contagious. A depressed partner can slowly drain your joy [12], while two happy people tend to amplify each other’s positive emotions [13].

On the economic front, there's the so-called Marital Premium, where married individuals tend to earn 3–11% more than their unmarried peers [14].

Interestingly, and perhaps unsurprisingly, the studies only seemed to focus on male spouses. I'd hope this trend starts to become evident for female spouses as well in a near future.

Personality-wise, partners influence each other over time. Traits like optimism or neuroticism can "leak" between partners and shape who you become [15].

And of course, this doesn’t even touch on the negative effects of a bad relationship: domestic violence, painful breakups, or a difficult divorce.

So yes, choosing your partner wisely is incredibly important if you want to live a healthy and fulfilling life.

Final Thoughts: Be the Person You Want to Meet

This is why I believe that self-improvement and being a good human should come first.

If you want to attract great people, be a great person.

If you want better relationships, develop the skills to build and maintain them.

That could mean learning to be more vulnerable, flirting more naturally, or just remembering to message the people you care about.

We're human. We need each other to live better lives.

References

[1]: https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-a-parents-affection-shapes-a-childs-happiness-for-life/#:~:text=The%20adults%20who%20reported%20receiving,relate%20to%20other%20people's%20perspectives.

[2]: https://www.pnas.org/doi/abs/10.1073/pnas.1315458110

[3]: https://edition.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/07/26/mother.affection.anxiety/

[4]: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship

[5]: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/01/harvard-happiness-study-relationships/672753

[6]: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24769739/

[7]: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-school-walls/202502/revisiting-the-power-of-weak-ties

[8]: https://journals.plos.org/plosmedicine/article?id=10.1371%2Fjournal.pmed.1000316

[9]: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3872512

[10]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_and_health

[11]: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/364191748_The_impact_of_spousal_behavior_changes_on_smoking_drinking_and_physical_activity_The_longitudinal_survey_of_middle-aged_and_elderly_persons_in_Japan

[12]: https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2023/dec/13/happiness-partner-mood-couple-relationship

[13]: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39634786/

[14]: https://nkapelle.github.io/files/2023_JMF_jomf.12937.pdf

[15]: https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2023/dec/13/happiness-partner-mood-couple-relationship